Mixed Emotions...

Just when I feel like I have pulled it together enough to plan a return to work...the anxiety and negative thoughts have rolled back in waves.

This anxiety roller coaster is not a roller coaster I enjoy being on. Through all my self help reading and therapy sessions, my rational brain says this is perfectly normal and consistent with what I have learned. My irrational brain is jumping off the deep end and catastophizing everything. All the "what ifs" are rolling through my mind.

What if I fail?

What if I cry?

What if the students don't like me anymore?

What if I am not good at this anymore?

What if my lesson fails?

What if the parents are mad at me?

What if my coworkers are mad at me?

What if my principal doesn't want me back?

What if the accommodations that are being put into place don't work?

What if the accommodations do work?

What if the students misbehave when I come back?

What if some students regress?

How will that make me look?

Will it be my fault?

What if I crash again?

Constantly, I need to remind myself to do some of the strategies that I have learned. Writing this blog post is helping in and of itself. For me, writing my thoughts down seem to help put things into perspective. It helps me visualize when I am being irrational. My rational brain knows I am being irrational. My irrational brain is just so persuasive sometimes...

Today I was driving home in some pretty bad freezing rain. Road conditions were not good. My mind was wandering to the email I received from Human Resources that sent me into this latest spiral today. I figured I was ready to go back by visiting my classroom and my students. I figured then I could gradually shadow the current teacher half days or full days. I figured I could teach independently part time after that. Gradually working my way up my Fear Ladder until I was at the top. With only five months in the school year left, I figured by April or May I would be back to full time. However, in the proposal I received today, I would begin shadowing in a week for a one week duration. Then the second week I would teach FULL TIME three of the five days and shadow the other two days. Wow, optimistic. I would love to be able to do this, but I don't think I am ready. From all I have learned, climbing the fear ladder is unpredictable and there are no time limits.

As I was driving, I began using a grounding technique where I named various things that I saw. I said to myself, "Find five things that are yellow." The lines on the road, plastic coating on an electric pole, a dump truck, a sign, headlights. I did this again. Slowly my mind was immediately distracted and my thoughts neutralized.

Fortunately, stewing on this for a few hours, I came home and immediately wrote an email. I was able to put my thoughts into writing and practice setting boundaries by saying that I wasn't ready to entertain the idea of full time, just yet. I voiced my concerns and proposed part time. I haven't received a response yet and am feeling quite anxious about it. I am calling the Human Resources representative I have dealing with, who has been so understanding and patient, and proposing that we take it week by week. Baby steps.

Now to go practice my breathing, while making dinner and entertaining my kids....sometimes all of this that we put on our plates is too much. I will escape for a few minutes of quiet time.

To be continued....

List of Self-Help Books that Have Helped Me So Far...

These books are noted in the order I have read them. This is not an order that was suggested to me by anyone. It is just the order I have had them recommended to me or order I have discovered them. This is a list of books that are helping me get "out of the well," "relight my pilot light," and "rev forward" with my life. This post will be updated as I read the meter high (or for my American friends about a yardstick high) stack of books that are on my "to read" list. 
*Please note that the pictures taken are originals by me (do not judge my photography abilities please) of my actual copies, unless otherwise noted. Any imperfections of the cover are due to my own carelessness, that they are second-hand, or lent to me by a friend. Thank you kindly. 

The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life BEFORE 8AM by Hal Elrod

A few weeks after I knew I was spiralling out of control a dear friend of mine, ND, said I have a book you need to read. She said she has read it many times and recommends it to anyone having anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. When I told her my situation, I knew she would understand being that I knew she struggled with anxiety as well. This book was a quick read and one in which if it was my personal copy would be written and highlighted all through it. She did buy me a journal, so I used that to write all my notes in. I can tell this book has been read many times and is well-loved! 

I liked the premise of this book; however, it wouldn't have been one that I would've chose to read first. The author talks about six activities that you should do in the morning before doing anything else. With kids and a husband who is out-of-town frequently, I need to be more flexible. Yes, I could get up an hour earlier like the author suggests, but with my poor sleeping habits (...still *sigh*), I feel I usually need that extra hour. However, I typically do about  4-6 of the ideas daily, just not in a specific order or time. It does help that after my kids are at school, I have the day to contemplate my future and to literally work on myself. The house is quiet, and I can truly focus. Attention and focus are typically daily obstacles for me, especially when my anxiety and panic is at its worst. The Miracle Morning (at least doing the mediation portion) is something I would like to do before I do anything else upon waking it. Like most new habits, it's easier said than done. 


Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown

About a month after starting therapy, my therapist (who is amazing BTW) suggested I read this book. She lent me her copy; I quickly realized that I needed my own copy. This book has been underlined and highlighted all through it with my personal notes in the margins. There were a few parts that were particularly powerful and meaningful to me. I also read this book after my new meds had kicked in and I was completely off my old meds, which definitely help me embrace her message with a level head (literally). 

The author talks about ten "guideposts." Guidepost #1 was especially powerful to me. It is called "Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think." It made me realize A LOT about myself and saddened me as to the person I had become. I will likely talk more about this in a future post. 

BTW, I have ordered another one of Brené Brown's books, which I haven't read yet. 

Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson 

OMG I laughed and I cried. An uplifting, light book that I read before bed or when I only had a few minutes. Honestly, there were parts that were so relatable I thought she could be my new BFF (sorry to my actual BFF...nothing against you...I am sure you'd love her too). A friend lent me this book about a week after my initial crash into the spiral abyss (does that even make sense?). I was at her house bawling over my constant and intense anxiety and panic attacks. She has a beautiful book collection, so I asked her if she had a "feel good" book she could suggest. This was the one she gave me and wow, it was perfect! Thank you LI 💛 It honestly helped me understand that I truly am not alone...despite several people telling me this, including my therapist...but having a published author (and BTW this book is on several recommended booklists) write about this, somehow made it more relatable. 

Get Your Shit Together: How to stop worrying about what you should do so you can finish what you need to do and start doing what you want to do by Sarah Knight

I was at my BFF's house a few weeks ago looking at a few books she has. She's notorious for reading self-help books, so she's read (or I should say listened too as she enjoys audio books) MANY of the books I have been reading. This one was on her shelf. I flipped through it and saw it would be a quick read. While much of it would've been extremely helpful to my 20-something self, there were some things I was able to take from it for my current self. 

Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think by Dennis Greenherger, PhD & Christine A. Padesky, Phd 

My therapist (have I mentioned how amazing she is yet?!) suggested I get this book. We are currently working through this together, taking it chapter by chapter, and not moving any faster than my brain and body can handle. It is a workbook, so I have to do this when I am alone and able to fully focus (usually when my kids are at school and husband working). Funny enough, when my therapist recommended this book to me, that same friend that lent me the first book on this list, lent me this copy too. However, since it is a workbook, I ordered my own copy as it will be one I refer to throughout my life when anxiety and panic hit me like a brick wall, which I hope never happens again, but I know all too well now how these disorders work. They love to sneak up on you, play brain games, and turn your life upside down, usually when you're least expecting it or when you think you finally have a handle on it. *sigh*

It's Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too) by Nora McInerny

While scrolling through Pinterest one day looking for memoirs on mental health, I came across this book. I immediately ordered it. I laughed and I cried and read it in just a few days. I couldn't put it down. I love the author's writing style, so "right up my alley" so to speak. Like her husband, my dad died of stage IV glioblastoma brain cancer. I could relate to a certain degree. My dad passed ten months after his diagnosis almost seven years ago. Did I ever think I would lose a parent in my early 30s? Never. Her story was inspiring and raw. She reminded me (and even kind of looks like) my high school BFF and coincidentally is from near where I grew up. I think she could be another BFF of mine, if we were ever to meet in person. 

No Comfort Zone: Notes on Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by Marla Handy 

Wow, could I relate to the author's experiences in this book. There were so many "aha" moments, I am still trying to sift through them all. Again without going into detail (perhaps when I feel ready I will write more), I understand how childhood trauma can rewire (or wire) your brain. I have been doing a lot of research on PTSD, specifically complex PTSD, since becoming diagnosed a few months ago, not really understanding what it meant. My dad also had PTSD, but I am pretty sure that his was war-induced. Reflecting back though, I am pretty sure my dad struggled with anxiety and depression, possibly panic disorder, although I am sure he never sought help for it. If he did, I highly doubt anyone would ever know. Who can blame him either? I wouldn't have dared to let anyone know about my own anxiety and panic until a few years ago, so ashamed of being on medication since my early 20s. I asked my husband the other day how long we were together before I told him I was on anxiety meds...I am sure it was at a least a year. I asked my BFF when she knew, she said she distinctly remembers me telling her nonchalantly. It was that "shocking" that she remembers it. I look so strong and so confident everyone says....well that's just the daily armour I wear to protect myself. 

There ware parts of this book that I am still digesting and just need some more time before I hit these demons head on in my own life. I am just not there yet. After reading this book, it has helped me immediately realize that my "quirks" are likely from PTSD and trauma. For example, my panic after hearing (and not expecting) a loud noise such as one of my kids screams, something crashing to the floor, etc.). Just today my daughter dropped the TV remote control on the wood floor. My heart rate immediately shot up, and it took several minutes before I felt "calm" again. I immediately yanked my head around in the direction of the sound and wanted to know what made it. I tend to "snap" when this happens reacting strongly. It is very odd....but now I am understanding that this is a symptom of complex PTSD. It is very different than say, having a near miss in a car accident, which actually happened yesterday to me. 

The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, 3rd Edition by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D 

The crazy thing about this book is that I owned this book about 13 years ago. I worked through it during a summer off from teaching when I was contemplating going off medication. My husband (then boyfriend) were together maybe two years. Sadly, during the summer of 2016, I was going through a "downsizing" phase where anything that I hadn't used in ten years was being purged. I had a cabinet with all sorts of photo albums, baby albums, etc and this book. It wasn't proudly displayed on my book shelves with all my other books, but it was safely stored at the back of a cabinet in my bedroom that hadn't been looked at since we moved into our house eight years prior. I honestly forgot all about it. I flipped through it rereading parts of my "previous self" or so I thought. Since I had written in it, I recycled the book thinking "I haven't needed it in ten years, so I won't need it again." Boy, was I wrong. I just found it at a second-hand bookstore so while I haven't begun working through it yet, I will be when I am ready. 

The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin 

This was a good book to read over Christmas Break going into the New Year! The author describes resolutions and goals that she sets for herself each month for one year. I admire her strength, courage, and commitment to herself and her family. The parts on family and marriage resonated with me the most. This book helped me identify some areas in my personal life, family life, and marriage that needed some tweaking. 

Go A Memoir of Wanderlust and Anxiety by Sara Moss

I absolutely loved this book! While it's not necessarily a "self-help" book, it is the author's personal journey. Through several parts of the memoir, she describes physical symptoms (nausea, rapid heart beat, sweats) which I resonated with completely. I recognized the symptoms of anxiety. The adventures the author goes through is truly amazing! It reminded me a lot of my late teens and 20's...I had the same wanderlust mentality but also the anxiety that I didn't recognize as anxiety until my mid-20's.

I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" by Brené Brown

I've just started this one, and I cannot put it down! I am eagerly taking notes and jotting down my thoughts and feelings. I feel like this book (like her other one I read) will be very helpful. 

Accountability

I haven't posted in awhile and honestly, I feel like I have gone "off track" slightly. Not relapsed into a depression but not stayed on my healing journey either. This time of year is busy with family and friends. It has kept my mind busy to be around other people, plan family dinners, finalize winter break travel plans, and pack for my family's time away. However, it has also kept my mind busy from focusing on my healing journey. Posting in this blog has helped me maintain accountability to myself to continue on my healing journey. While I'd love for people to read my blog, give me feedback, comment, and help anyone along the way, I am content at the moment just knowing this is helping ME. Pardon my selfishness.

Since my last post, my family celebrated Christmas. We are not a religious family per se, and are more spiritual than anything. I feel guilty that my children think Christmas is all about Santa, decorating a tree (who on Earth decided that was a good idea?!), and getting/giving presents. We have tried to teach them that it is more than that. Now that they are getting older and are able to understand more about the world, we are teaching them how to give back to nature, others, and the greater good. I dislike Christmas time greatly, most due to a crappy childhood memories, but alas, I'm not getting into that now. My husband has said we need to make new memories for our children, and while he is 100% correct, it is easier said than done. Sometimes I find myself zoning out and crappy memories creeping into my mind for no apparent reason.

So what have I been doing since my last post? On Christmas Day, I finished up the packing while the kids played with new toys. We were flying out the next morning to sunny South Florida to our condo. We've been at our condo since December 27th, my happy place. We bought our condo a few years ago, and renovated it top to bottom. It is our sanctuary--calming, quiet, and relaxing.

Often I feel selfish, guilty, and ashamed for having anxiety. My husband often asks me, "What will make you happy?" And honestly, I am happy, but something is missing. I am truly blessed. I have an amazing and supportive husband (together nearly 15 years), happy and healthy kids, and financial security (we have a condo and we're in our early 40's). Sometimes I feel extremely guilty about being anxious....like what on earth do I have to worry about?! Plenty, but often, I can't even put my finger on what is (literally) keeping me up at night. The one thing that is truly my biggest worry is my career...or at the moment...lack there of. More on that later....off the the beach for some family fun time.

Mom Guilt is the WORST!

So here I am...

sitting on my sofa, feeling like crap, pretending to have an "upset stomach" because heaven forbid I be seen in public looking "normal," albeit looking like I need to wash my hair. All because I am too anxious, too panicky, too nervous, too worried, too fearful, too guilty, too angry, too ashamed, too frustrated, too resentful, too pissed off to be seen in public by people who know me. Ugh!

So here I am...

almost eight weeks after having a "breakdown." I've called it a few different things...mental collapse, mental come-apart, spiralling out of control, whatever. It's all the same thing to me. However, I really like the term "spiritual awakening" as I learned when reading Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, that my therapist recommended I read. Spiritual awakening is more of a "cup half full" way of saying "I fell to the bottom of a well, can't see the light, and no matter how much I try to claw my way out, the well just seems to get wider."

So here I am...

having massive amounts of mom guilt while my wonderful and amazing husband took our two kids to their very first Christmas concert. In fact, it's the first time they've ever been on stage in front of a crowd. All I can seem to focus on is that I am missing it. They aren't as upset as I thought they'd be, probably because I cannot think of anything that I've ever really missed that 100% of moms are expected to be at. They bought my pathetic story of having an upset stomach. Mom guilt. It's honestly the worst. I don't think dads get "dad guilt" nearly as much as moms get "mom guilt." I don't know, maybe dads to get it from time to time too.

So here I am...

constantly watching the clock....5:59PM, the concert is to begin in exactly one minute. My son, age 9, came home from school today very nervous and pleading with me to not make him go to the concert. With lots of cuddles, encouragement, and a bribe of playing Minecraft before bed, he went, and he went seemingly happy. My daughter, age 7, is the one that rarely gets nervous and loves being in front of a crowd. It's 6:01PM...the concert has begun. I worry about my 9 year old that he doesn't get a stomach ache...which since he takes after me, will highly likely get out of anxiousness. Oh My God 6:02PM, time is a standstill.

So here I am...

diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) since my early 20s with a smattering of panic disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder, although never formally diagnosed with the latter two. Now in my early 40s, diagnosed with complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I can't even have just "regular PTSD," I have the complex kind. Typical. My therapist would say I am "catastrophizing," and she's probably right. Anxiety has been a part of my life as long as I can honestly remember. I thought I had it under control (with the help of meds) until it reared its ugly head once again almost two years ago. Anxiety would pop up every now and again, and I'd remind myself of all my strategies I once learned in group therapy way back when. However, a year ago, those strategies stopped working like they once did, and eight weeks ago, I hit rock bottom with anxiety and panic attacks so bad I didn't want to leave my bedroom.

So here I am...

after nearly eight weeks of therapy, prescription changes, forcing myself to exercise with my good friend who pretty much makes me, meditation, reading as much as I possible can, and writing, I feel like I am slowly putting my life back together. My best friend says I am so good at being vulnerable. I say if I can put a face to mental health then so be it. This blog is to empower all the women who are faced with mental health challenges, faced with the judgement and ridicule, faced with the facade of being perfect, and faced with the constant guilt of not being enough. This blog is for all the women, who like me, felt the need to put on their armour daily to face the world. I am starting a revolution.