On the Eve of Returning to Work

Ahhhh....

I feel like I can let out a deep breath....💨

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.....💪

I feel ready. 💚

Tomorrow I will go back to work as an elementary teacher. I am a mix of emotions....happy, excited, nervous, anxious.....It kind of reminds me of the first day of school, and honestly, it kind of is for me. It has been just over four months on my leave of absence. 🙋

I have had some really good dreams about going back, which in my past, usually predict how things will go.

On this stormy night (we are under a wind warning 💨 and blizzard warning 🌨), I am thinking that tomorrow could very well be a "snow day" where buses are cancelled but teachers go to work. Any students that can get driven to school can come too. My own kids will be going with me tomorrow. 🏫

I feel good about this week and am looking forward to it being a good week. Thankfully, it is a slow gradual schedule. 👐 Meaning that this week, I am "part time" and may leave early if need be. The teacher that has been in for me will be there all week too. That is kind of a relief because I can observe, take some notes, and piggy back off what he has already been doing. He may or may not have piggy backed off what I was already doing back in October. Of course, there has been a lot of growth that would be expected with all classes.

I am looking forward to getting back into a routine and not wearing my pyjamas until noon. I have made so much progress throughout this journey. I probably still have a way to go, but I have also come SOOOO far!!! I am proud of myself and proud of the progress I have made. Mental illness in any form is not a laughing matter. It should be taken seriously and not a matter of bruising it off.

So on the eve of my return to work, I am feeling confident and ready to tackle this week!!! 💗💗 I will remember all the strategies I have learned....grounding, muscle tension and relaxation, deep breathing. 🙏

To be continued....😃

Alas, I Think I'm Ready

Alas, I think I'm ready to return to work. 💪

It's been a long four months. A long four months of soul searching. A long four months of ups and downs, taking steps forward and taking steps backwards. A long four months of being on an emotional rollercoaster.

I finally feel confident enough that I am well enough to return to work and continue on this upward spiral. I know there will be bumps in the road going forward, but I think I have conquered my anxiety, panic, and PTSD enough that I have the tools and strategies to work through them without falling apart.

There are still a few unknowns. I am waiting on a few other people to confirm that I can return to work. My doctor and I created a timeline that we believe will keep me on a steady path moving forward. I am confident enough that I will be able to continue making steady progress. I am no where near 100% yet, and honestly, I think it will be a year or more before that happens, if ever. Maybe this is my new normal; my new 100%. Time will tell.

I feel the good anxious feeling...the good feeling of butterflies in my stomach. Slightly anxious but an excited anxious. It feels like the first day of school, and honestly, it kind of is. The first seven or eight weeks I was at school is all such a blur. A blur of emotions. I will need the next few weeks to reconnect and connect with my students.

I am nervous to see my co-workers. I worry about being judged. Judged by the very people that know exactly of what it feels like to be a teacher. To have a challenging class. To feel the pressure of report cards. To be pressed for time in meetings. To be up at night worrying about other peoples' children. I have learned reading my latest Brené Brown book that I cannot control how other people perceive me.

I look forward to this journal of spiralling upward. The light is there. I am at the edge of the tunnel looking out. I look forward to the rest of my healing journey. 💓

Mixed Emotions...

Just when I feel like I have pulled it together enough to plan a return to work...the anxiety and negative thoughts have rolled back in waves.

This anxiety roller coaster is not a roller coaster I enjoy being on. Through all my self help reading and therapy sessions, my rational brain says this is perfectly normal and consistent with what I have learned. My irrational brain is jumping off the deep end and catastophizing everything. All the "what ifs" are rolling through my mind.

What if I fail?

What if I cry?

What if the students don't like me anymore?

What if I am not good at this anymore?

What if my lesson fails?

What if the parents are mad at me?

What if my coworkers are mad at me?

What if my principal doesn't want me back?

What if the accommodations that are being put into place don't work?

What if the accommodations do work?

What if the students misbehave when I come back?

What if some students regress?

How will that make me look?

Will it be my fault?

What if I crash again?

Constantly, I need to remind myself to do some of the strategies that I have learned. Writing this blog post is helping in and of itself. For me, writing my thoughts down seem to help put things into perspective. It helps me visualize when I am being irrational. My rational brain knows I am being irrational. My irrational brain is just so persuasive sometimes...

Today I was driving home in some pretty bad freezing rain. Road conditions were not good. My mind was wandering to the email I received from Human Resources that sent me into this latest spiral today. I figured I was ready to go back by visiting my classroom and my students. I figured then I could gradually shadow the current teacher half days or full days. I figured I could teach independently part time after that. Gradually working my way up my Fear Ladder until I was at the top. With only five months in the school year left, I figured by April or May I would be back to full time. However, in the proposal I received today, I would begin shadowing in a week for a one week duration. Then the second week I would teach FULL TIME three of the five days and shadow the other two days. Wow, optimistic. I would love to be able to do this, but I don't think I am ready. From all I have learned, climbing the fear ladder is unpredictable and there are no time limits.

As I was driving, I began using a grounding technique where I named various things that I saw. I said to myself, "Find five things that are yellow." The lines on the road, plastic coating on an electric pole, a dump truck, a sign, headlights. I did this again. Slowly my mind was immediately distracted and my thoughts neutralized.

Fortunately, stewing on this for a few hours, I came home and immediately wrote an email. I was able to put my thoughts into writing and practice setting boundaries by saying that I wasn't ready to entertain the idea of full time, just yet. I voiced my concerns and proposed part time. I haven't received a response yet and am feeling quite anxious about it. I am calling the Human Resources representative I have dealing with, who has been so understanding and patient, and proposing that we take it week by week. Baby steps.

Now to go practice my breathing, while making dinner and entertaining my kids....sometimes all of this that we put on our plates is too much. I will escape for a few minutes of quiet time.

To be continued....

Facing My Fears

I am proud to say that I have faced a few of my fears a.k.a. situations that have caused me great anxiety....and I feel so much better doing it! 😊

Utilizing the text Mind Over Mood (2nd Edition) by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, I am working on my "Fear Ladder." Completing the "Fear Ladder" was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Through this text, I have learned that I typically used avoidance (when possible) as a coping mechanism, which isn't a coping mechanism at all. It just exacerbates anxiety. I have been off work now since the middle of October. While it was crucial that I take this time off for myself and my family, it certainly hasn't been easy. Honestly, being off work has been an avoidance of the causes of my anxiety, but it was a necessary (and temporary) avoidance to deal with my mental health and underlying issues that caused my breakdown.

Oh yes, have I mentioned that?! Yes, I had a horrible and devastating mental break down that brought me to a deep, dark, and scary place.

Fortunately, I am nearly out of that awful hole. My pilot light has be relit and the water is in the pot. The well is no longer deep and I am nearly at the top. I am at the end of the tunnel and the sunlight is bright. These metaphors have helped me throughout this journey. Okay back on track....

As I was filling out my Fear Ladder, I wasn't sure where to start, but I did know what the top tier of the ladder would be....to be back to work full time doing exactly what I was doing before my breakdown, only at a much happier and calmer place. From that point it was easier for me to create the rest of the ladder working my way down to the bottom. The authors warned readers in the text that this would cause anxiety (which it did for me ), but what it didn't cause was a full blown panic attack. Filling it out actually made me smile, thinking about the future. On the bottom of the ladder were smaller tasks to gently and slowly put me into situations that cause me anxiety.

I started very small, feeling much better after conquering each fear. For example, the very first thing I did was to pick up my own children at their school (also where I work). The nervousness and anxiety I felt was pretty high, but with the help of deep breathing and imagery (imagining what you want to happen), I was able to successfully face that fear. Was it as bad as I first thought? Definitely not. It went even better than I expected. I have done this a few a times.

The next thing I did was go to the school after hours, with my friend LI, who supported me on this mini adventure. As bizarre as it sounds, I just wanted to look in my classroom window. To see what it looked like. To my surprise, it looked mostly the same. A few things were different, but I okay with it.

Today, my class and my daughter's class went ice skating on a field trip. I sat in the car waiting for my friend CU, who was meeting me at the rink to show up. As I sat, I was texting another friend, SW, about my anxiety. I was very nervous and anxious. I kept seeing so many people and parents of students arriving at the rink. I knew I would see some, but it just seemed like there were so many! I waited in the car, deep breathing, and any time a negative thought popped into my head, I pushed it out. CU arrived, and we walked in together. Approaching the door, I said to her, "OMG there's so many people here. They are all looking at me." To which of course, she replied, "No they are not." Even after I was chatting with another person, she mouthed, "Are you okay?" to me. I nodded that I was. Having someone have my back in this situation was extremely helpful. 💓

I saw all my former students, got lots of smiles and lots of hugs. I had a few that were hesitant and not quite sure what to think...which is to be expected. Baby steps. I chatted with the teacher who is in my place. I so grateful to have someone amazing in my place!

Surrounding myself with kind, patient, and nonjudgemental friends has been paramount for me. Many of these friends have experienced some sort of mental health issues themselves. We have each other's backs and for that, I am forever grateful. 🙏🙌💓

Bell Let’s Talk 2019

With it being Bell Let’s Talk about mental health day, I find it appropriate. If I can use my voice to help others, then it’ll be worth it to tell my story. I thought about posting to my social media account, but decided against it. Maybe someday I’ll be ready.

So here’s my story. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder GAD in my early 20s. I had my first panic attack at age 24; I thought I was dying and wanted to call an ambulance but was frozen in fear. My anxiety has been a dark hole for most of my life but manageable, living in the back of my head, buried....until recently. When it reared its ugly head, I didn’t recognize what was happening to me. It was all so different than what I remembered from my 20s and seemingly, more dramatic. The panic attacks re-emerged, sometimes dozens a day. In addition, I’m dealing with complex PTSD and the likelihood of seasonal affective disorder SAD (big surprise from this Texas girl). I’ve discovered that I, too, held a stigma. Apparently it was OK in my mind to have anxiety but not depression. Well, guess what, I’ve 3discovered that I was depressed. Those dramatic episodes of crying uncontrollably were depression. I fell into that deep, dark hole. I cried so much and just wanted out of the hole. The more I tried to climb out, the well just seemed to get wider. It’s been a slow process for the last few months. I’m proud to say that with the compassionate help of my doctor and my therapist, I’m out if my depression. My anxiety, well that’s another story. I have to face a few “triggers” and fears before I can return to my life as I knew it. For so long I avoided public places and even my closest friends. I am blessed beyond belief for my supportive and understanding husband who has literally picked me up off the floor and held me up. He’s been patiently waiting for the wife that he knows to return. Today, he gets glimpses of that person daily and is enduring the emotional roller coaster. Every day, I’m getting better and better. I’m truly grateful for all the people who have checked on me, stayed with me, phoned me, and texted me to check on me, no matter my mood, even if I tried to ignore them. I’m grateful for who best friend who came to see me after I ignored calls and texts for a few days. I’m grateful for my mom who flew up to spend a week with me. I’m grateful for my therapist who has listened to me without judgement and with her guidance, is helping me get out of this fog. I’m grateful for a doctor who didn’t brush me off and truly listens to me. I’m grateful to the person who took over my position until I can return. I’m grateful for a boss who is empathetic and understands and HR dept who have been genuine and not pressuring me to return. 

I have learned so much through my recent mental health journey. I’ve learned I cannot put myself on the back burner. I must set boundaries and be true to my authentic self. I must take “me time.” I’m building shame resilience (thank you to Brené Brown’s books). I will continue to heal. 

I always thought I was a person who didn’t care what others thought of me. Truth is, I do care. I probably care too much. I’ve been very worried and anxious to return to my position and face many of the people that I really do care what they think of me. 

I’ve always wanted to make the world a better place. I think I was and am but now in addition to that, I have a new cause to add to my plate....when I’m ready.

I will not let anxiety define me. I will make it through this dark place, and I truly hope I never see that dark place again. If it wasn’t for my husband, I’m not sure I’d be as far as I am. I cannot thank him enough. He’s steadily getting his wife back. 💕

Parenting Sucks Sometimes!

I swear parenting is the hardest job on Earth!

I love my kids to absolute pieces, like so much sometimes it hurts. Parenting is like the "best of times,  the worst of times." At this moment, I cannot remember which novel that quote comes from?! Anyone?

My son has had issues at school since about...kindergarten; he's now in grade four (or as my American side of me says, 4th grade). He can be introverted at times yet a social butterfly other times. He's always had friends at school, usually one or two that he is closest too. He just often seems so sad. He doesn't struggle academically, and honestly, has always been about a grade level higher than his peers. He's also one of the oldest students in the class. Most of the kids in his class he has known since kindergarten and even a few much longer than that. He just seems to struggle socially sometimes. He is quite sensitive and easily upset. Did I mention he is sad nearly everyday?! It breaks my heart that I can't "fix it."

So now for two days in a row (and most days prior to this week), he gets off the bus and just sort of falls apart. It's like he keeps it together (or at least I think he does) all day, then gets home, in his "safe zone," and just falls apart. Today, he literally collapsed in the driveway walking back to our house crying, which is about a third of a kilometre from the bus (again, for my American friends, that is like one lap around a standard track). It just breaks my heart and makes me feel like such a failure as a parent.

He is often not "flexible." Not flexible like as in like "he's good at gymnastics" but mentally flexible. The teacher side of me knows what to do in a classroom setting (at least I think I do), but as a parent, it is NOT easy! He easily gets upset if his friends or his sister do not want to play "his game" or if we want to do something as a family but he just wants to draw. It can be a battle to get him to cooperate or "be flexible." When he does not like an activity (for example, gym is a big trigger) or finds something difficult (anything athletic), he is quite reluctant to try it again sometimes even reluctant to try it to begin with. As a young child, many things came easily to him. We seemed to skip over the "spelling out words so we could talk in front of him phase" because he started reading so early. He is artistically gifted, creating drawings that blow the minds of everyone that sees them. Yet his mindset and self esteem can be so poor.

I worry so much that he has inherited my mental health fucked-up-ness and unlike me at his age, feels very comfortable to share his thoughts with me. I don't know if I "fell apart" this much at his age, but I do know that I was bullied A LOT in elementary and middle school. I struggled silently, maybe saying a few things to my mom here and there growing up, but certainly never to a teacher. BTW, the advice of "just ignore them" DOES NOT WORK! I am pretty sure he has anxiety and probably panic disorder as well. Symptoms have been present for a few years now, and he was in counselling for few months. Then he was deemed "normal" and comparable to his peers. Ugh. He would fall apart as soon as we got to the car in the counsellor's parking lot!

Parenting is the hardest job ever. There's no "quitting time;" the shift just never ends. There's no reprieve. It's just so damn difficult. Being a kid these days just seems a thousand times worse than when I was a kid....and it certainly wasn't a picnic then.

My husband is waiting for a flight tonight so we chatted via FaceTime. Often, I feel so alone and like this "parenting" thing lies solely on my shoulders. So if my kids don't end up perfect, I failed as a parent. He doesn't do a lot of the disciplining or making them really do anything (like help out with chores), so I am often the "bad guy" and he's often the "fun parent." I do understand being that he's out of town a lot for work so he doesn't want to come home to be the "bad guy." Have I mentioned that parenting fucking sucks sometimes?! End Rant.

Mom Guilt is the WORST!

So here I am...

sitting on my sofa, feeling like crap, pretending to have an "upset stomach" because heaven forbid I be seen in public looking "normal," albeit looking like I need to wash my hair. All because I am too anxious, too panicky, too nervous, too worried, too fearful, too guilty, too angry, too ashamed, too frustrated, too resentful, too pissed off to be seen in public by people who know me. Ugh!

So here I am...

almost eight weeks after having a "breakdown." I've called it a few different things...mental collapse, mental come-apart, spiralling out of control, whatever. It's all the same thing to me. However, I really like the term "spiritual awakening" as I learned when reading Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, that my therapist recommended I read. Spiritual awakening is more of a "cup half full" way of saying "I fell to the bottom of a well, can't see the light, and no matter how much I try to claw my way out, the well just seems to get wider."

So here I am...

having massive amounts of mom guilt while my wonderful and amazing husband took our two kids to their very first Christmas concert. In fact, it's the first time they've ever been on stage in front of a crowd. All I can seem to focus on is that I am missing it. They aren't as upset as I thought they'd be, probably because I cannot think of anything that I've ever really missed that 100% of moms are expected to be at. They bought my pathetic story of having an upset stomach. Mom guilt. It's honestly the worst. I don't think dads get "dad guilt" nearly as much as moms get "mom guilt." I don't know, maybe dads to get it from time to time too.

So here I am...

constantly watching the clock....5:59PM, the concert is to begin in exactly one minute. My son, age 9, came home from school today very nervous and pleading with me to not make him go to the concert. With lots of cuddles, encouragement, and a bribe of playing Minecraft before bed, he went, and he went seemingly happy. My daughter, age 7, is the one that rarely gets nervous and loves being in front of a crowd. It's 6:01PM...the concert has begun. I worry about my 9 year old that he doesn't get a stomach ache...which since he takes after me, will highly likely get out of anxiousness. Oh My God 6:02PM, time is a standstill.

So here I am...

diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) since my early 20s with a smattering of panic disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder, although never formally diagnosed with the latter two. Now in my early 40s, diagnosed with complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I can't even have just "regular PTSD," I have the complex kind. Typical. My therapist would say I am "catastrophizing," and she's probably right. Anxiety has been a part of my life as long as I can honestly remember. I thought I had it under control (with the help of meds) until it reared its ugly head once again almost two years ago. Anxiety would pop up every now and again, and I'd remind myself of all my strategies I once learned in group therapy way back when. However, a year ago, those strategies stopped working like they once did, and eight weeks ago, I hit rock bottom with anxiety and panic attacks so bad I didn't want to leave my bedroom.

So here I am...

after nearly eight weeks of therapy, prescription changes, forcing myself to exercise with my good friend who pretty much makes me, meditation, reading as much as I possible can, and writing, I feel like I am slowly putting my life back together. My best friend says I am so good at being vulnerable. I say if I can put a face to mental health then so be it. This blog is to empower all the women who are faced with mental health challenges, faced with the judgement and ridicule, faced with the facade of being perfect, and faced with the constant guilt of not being enough. This blog is for all the women, who like me, felt the need to put on their armour daily to face the world. I am starting a revolution.