Just when I feel like I have pulled it together enough to plan a return to work...the anxiety and negative thoughts have rolled back in waves.
This anxiety roller coaster is not a roller coaster I enjoy being on. Through all my self help reading and therapy sessions, my rational brain says this is perfectly normal and consistent with what I have learned. My irrational brain is jumping off the deep end and catastophizing everything. All the "what ifs" are rolling through my mind.
What if I fail?
What if I cry?
What if the students don't like me anymore?
What if I am not good at this anymore?
What if my lesson fails?
What if the parents are mad at me?
What if my coworkers are mad at me?
What if my principal doesn't want me back?
What if the accommodations that are being put into place don't work?
What if the accommodations do work?
What if the students misbehave when I come back?
What if some students regress?
How will that make me look?
Will it be my fault?
What if I crash again?
Constantly, I need to remind myself to do some of the strategies that I have learned. Writing this blog post is helping in and of itself. For me, writing my thoughts down seem to help put things into perspective. It helps me visualize when I am being irrational. My rational brain knows I am being irrational. My irrational brain is just so persuasive sometimes...
Today I was driving home in some pretty bad freezing rain. Road conditions were not good. My mind was wandering to the email I received from Human Resources that sent me into this latest spiral today. I figured I was ready to go back by visiting my classroom and my students. I figured then I could gradually shadow the current teacher half days or full days. I figured I could teach independently part time after that. Gradually working my way up my Fear Ladder until I was at the top. With only five months in the school year left, I figured by April or May I would be back to full time. However, in the proposal I received today, I would begin shadowing in a week for a one week duration. Then the second week I would teach FULL TIME three of the five days and shadow the other two days. Wow, optimistic. I would love to be able to do this, but I don't think I am ready. From all I have learned, climbing the fear ladder is unpredictable and there are no time limits.
As I was driving, I began using a grounding technique where I named various things that I saw. I said to myself, "Find five things that are yellow." The lines on the road, plastic coating on an electric pole, a dump truck, a sign, headlights. I did this again. Slowly my mind was immediately distracted and my thoughts neutralized.
Fortunately, stewing on this for a few hours, I came home and immediately wrote an email. I was able to put my thoughts into writing and practice setting boundaries by saying that I wasn't ready to entertain the idea of full time, just yet. I voiced my concerns and proposed part time. I haven't received a response yet and am feeling quite anxious about it. I am calling the Human Resources representative I have dealing with, who has been so understanding and patient, and proposing that we take it week by week. Baby steps.
Now to go practice my breathing, while making dinner and entertaining my kids....sometimes all of this that we put on our plates is too much. I will escape for a few minutes of quiet time.
To be continued....
Showing posts with label fear ladder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear ladder. Show all posts
Wednesday, 6 February 2019
Tuesday, 5 February 2019
Facing My Fears
I am proud to say that I have faced a few of my fears a.k.a. situations that have caused me great anxiety....and I feel so much better doing it! 😊
Utilizing the text Mind Over Mood (2nd Edition) by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, I am working on my "Fear Ladder." Completing the "Fear Ladder" was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Through this text, I have learned that I typically used avoidance (when possible) as a coping mechanism, which isn't a coping mechanism at all. It just exacerbates anxiety. I have been off work now since the middle of October. While it was crucial that I take this time off for myself and my family, it certainly hasn't been easy. Honestly, being off work has been an avoidance of the causes of my anxiety, but it was a necessary (and temporary) avoidance to deal with my mental health and underlying issues that caused my breakdown.
Oh yes, have I mentioned that?! Yes, I had a horrible and devastating mental break down that brought me to a deep, dark, and scary place.
Fortunately, I am nearly out of that awful hole. My pilot light has be relit and the water is in the pot. The well is no longer deep and I am nearly at the top. I am at the end of the tunnel and the sunlight is bright. These metaphors have helped me throughout this journey. Okay back on track....
As I was filling out my Fear Ladder, I wasn't sure where to start, but I did know what the top tier of the ladder would be....to be back to work full time doing exactly what I was doing before my breakdown, only at a much happier and calmer place. From that point it was easier for me to create the rest of the ladder working my way down to the bottom. The authors warned readers in the text that this would cause anxiety (which it did for me ), but what it didn't cause was a full blown panic attack. Filling it out actually made me smile, thinking about the future. On the bottom of the ladder were smaller tasks to gently and slowly put me into situations that cause me anxiety.
I started very small, feeling much better after conquering each fear. For example, the very first thing I did was to pick up my own children at their school (also where I work). The nervousness and anxiety I felt was pretty high, but with the help of deep breathing and imagery (imagining what you want to happen), I was able to successfully face that fear. Was it as bad as I first thought? Definitely not. It went even better than I expected. I have done this a few a times.
The next thing I did was go to the school after hours, with my friend LI, who supported me on this mini adventure. As bizarre as it sounds, I just wanted to look in my classroom window. To see what it looked like. To my surprise, it looked mostly the same. A few things were different, but I okay with it.
Today, my class and my daughter's class went ice skating on a field trip. I sat in the car waiting for my friend CU, who was meeting me at the rink to show up. As I sat, I was texting another friend, SW, about my anxiety. I was very nervous and anxious. I kept seeing so many people and parents of students arriving at the rink. I knew I would see some, but it just seemed like there were so many! I waited in the car, deep breathing, and any time a negative thought popped into my head, I pushed it out. CU arrived, and we walked in together. Approaching the door, I said to her, "OMG there's so many people here. They are all looking at me." To which of course, she replied, "No they are not." Even after I was chatting with another person, she mouthed, "Are you okay?" to me. I nodded that I was. Having someone have my back in this situation was extremely helpful. 💓
I saw all my former students, got lots of smiles and lots of hugs. I had a few that were hesitant and not quite sure what to think...which is to be expected. Baby steps. I chatted with the teacher who is in my place. I so grateful to have someone amazing in my place!
Surrounding myself with kind, patient, and nonjudgemental friends has been paramount for me. Many of these friends have experienced some sort of mental health issues themselves. We have each other's backs and for that, I am forever grateful. 🙏🙌💓
Utilizing the text Mind Over Mood (2nd Edition) by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, I am working on my "Fear Ladder." Completing the "Fear Ladder" was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Through this text, I have learned that I typically used avoidance (when possible) as a coping mechanism, which isn't a coping mechanism at all. It just exacerbates anxiety. I have been off work now since the middle of October. While it was crucial that I take this time off for myself and my family, it certainly hasn't been easy. Honestly, being off work has been an avoidance of the causes of my anxiety, but it was a necessary (and temporary) avoidance to deal with my mental health and underlying issues that caused my breakdown.
Oh yes, have I mentioned that?! Yes, I had a horrible and devastating mental break down that brought me to a deep, dark, and scary place.
Fortunately, I am nearly out of that awful hole. My pilot light has be relit and the water is in the pot. The well is no longer deep and I am nearly at the top. I am at the end of the tunnel and the sunlight is bright. These metaphors have helped me throughout this journey. Okay back on track....
As I was filling out my Fear Ladder, I wasn't sure where to start, but I did know what the top tier of the ladder would be....to be back to work full time doing exactly what I was doing before my breakdown, only at a much happier and calmer place. From that point it was easier for me to create the rest of the ladder working my way down to the bottom. The authors warned readers in the text that this would cause anxiety (which it did for me ), but what it didn't cause was a full blown panic attack. Filling it out actually made me smile, thinking about the future. On the bottom of the ladder were smaller tasks to gently and slowly put me into situations that cause me anxiety.
I started very small, feeling much better after conquering each fear. For example, the very first thing I did was to pick up my own children at their school (also where I work). The nervousness and anxiety I felt was pretty high, but with the help of deep breathing and imagery (imagining what you want to happen), I was able to successfully face that fear. Was it as bad as I first thought? Definitely not. It went even better than I expected. I have done this a few a times.
The next thing I did was go to the school after hours, with my friend LI, who supported me on this mini adventure. As bizarre as it sounds, I just wanted to look in my classroom window. To see what it looked like. To my surprise, it looked mostly the same. A few things were different, but I okay with it.
Today, my class and my daughter's class went ice skating on a field trip. I sat in the car waiting for my friend CU, who was meeting me at the rink to show up. As I sat, I was texting another friend, SW, about my anxiety. I was very nervous and anxious. I kept seeing so many people and parents of students arriving at the rink. I knew I would see some, but it just seemed like there were so many! I waited in the car, deep breathing, and any time a negative thought popped into my head, I pushed it out. CU arrived, and we walked in together. Approaching the door, I said to her, "OMG there's so many people here. They are all looking at me." To which of course, she replied, "No they are not." Even after I was chatting with another person, she mouthed, "Are you okay?" to me. I nodded that I was. Having someone have my back in this situation was extremely helpful. 💓
I saw all my former students, got lots of smiles and lots of hugs. I had a few that were hesitant and not quite sure what to think...which is to be expected. Baby steps. I chatted with the teacher who is in my place. I so grateful to have someone amazing in my place!
Surrounding myself with kind, patient, and nonjudgemental friends has been paramount for me. Many of these friends have experienced some sort of mental health issues themselves. We have each other's backs and for that, I am forever grateful. 🙏🙌💓
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