Ahhhh....
I feel like I can let out a deep breath....💨
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.....💪
I feel ready. 💚
Tomorrow I will go back to work as an elementary teacher. I am a mix of emotions....happy, excited, nervous, anxious.....It kind of reminds me of the first day of school, and honestly, it kind of is for me. It has been just over four months on my leave of absence. 🙋
I have had some really good dreams about going back, which in my past, usually predict how things will go.
On this stormy night (we are under a wind warning 💨 and blizzard warning 🌨), I am thinking that tomorrow could very well be a "snow day" where buses are cancelled but teachers go to work. Any students that can get driven to school can come too. My own kids will be going with me tomorrow. 🏫
I feel good about this week and am looking forward to it being a good week. Thankfully, it is a slow gradual schedule. 👐 Meaning that this week, I am "part time" and may leave early if need be. The teacher that has been in for me will be there all week too. That is kind of a relief because I can observe, take some notes, and piggy back off what he has already been doing. He may or may not have piggy backed off what I was already doing back in October. Of course, there has been a lot of growth that would be expected with all classes.
I am looking forward to getting back into a routine and not wearing my pyjamas until noon. I have made so much progress throughout this journey. I probably still have a way to go, but I have also come SOOOO far!!! I am proud of myself and proud of the progress I have made. Mental illness in any form is not a laughing matter. It should be taken seriously and not a matter of bruising it off.
So on the eve of my return to work, I am feeling confident and ready to tackle this week!!! 💗💗 I will remember all the strategies I have learned....grounding, muscle tension and relaxation, deep breathing. 🙏
To be continued....😃
Showing posts with label deep breathing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deep breathing. Show all posts
Sunday, 24 February 2019
Wednesday, 6 February 2019
Mixed Emotions...
Just when I feel like I have pulled it together enough to plan a return to work...the anxiety and negative thoughts have rolled back in waves.
This anxiety roller coaster is not a roller coaster I enjoy being on. Through all my self help reading and therapy sessions, my rational brain says this is perfectly normal and consistent with what I have learned. My irrational brain is jumping off the deep end and catastophizing everything. All the "what ifs" are rolling through my mind.
What if I fail?
What if I cry?
What if the students don't like me anymore?
What if I am not good at this anymore?
What if my lesson fails?
What if the parents are mad at me?
What if my coworkers are mad at me?
What if my principal doesn't want me back?
What if the accommodations that are being put into place don't work?
What if the accommodations do work?
What if the students misbehave when I come back?
What if some students regress?
How will that make me look?
Will it be my fault?
What if I crash again?
Constantly, I need to remind myself to do some of the strategies that I have learned. Writing this blog post is helping in and of itself. For me, writing my thoughts down seem to help put things into perspective. It helps me visualize when I am being irrational. My rational brain knows I am being irrational. My irrational brain is just so persuasive sometimes...
Today I was driving home in some pretty bad freezing rain. Road conditions were not good. My mind was wandering to the email I received from Human Resources that sent me into this latest spiral today. I figured I was ready to go back by visiting my classroom and my students. I figured then I could gradually shadow the current teacher half days or full days. I figured I could teach independently part time after that. Gradually working my way up my Fear Ladder until I was at the top. With only five months in the school year left, I figured by April or May I would be back to full time. However, in the proposal I received today, I would begin shadowing in a week for a one week duration. Then the second week I would teach FULL TIME three of the five days and shadow the other two days. Wow, optimistic. I would love to be able to do this, but I don't think I am ready. From all I have learned, climbing the fear ladder is unpredictable and there are no time limits.
As I was driving, I began using a grounding technique where I named various things that I saw. I said to myself, "Find five things that are yellow." The lines on the road, plastic coating on an electric pole, a dump truck, a sign, headlights. I did this again. Slowly my mind was immediately distracted and my thoughts neutralized.
Fortunately, stewing on this for a few hours, I came home and immediately wrote an email. I was able to put my thoughts into writing and practice setting boundaries by saying that I wasn't ready to entertain the idea of full time, just yet. I voiced my concerns and proposed part time. I haven't received a response yet and am feeling quite anxious about it. I am calling the Human Resources representative I have dealing with, who has been so understanding and patient, and proposing that we take it week by week. Baby steps.
Now to go practice my breathing, while making dinner and entertaining my kids....sometimes all of this that we put on our plates is too much. I will escape for a few minutes of quiet time.
To be continued....
This anxiety roller coaster is not a roller coaster I enjoy being on. Through all my self help reading and therapy sessions, my rational brain says this is perfectly normal and consistent with what I have learned. My irrational brain is jumping off the deep end and catastophizing everything. All the "what ifs" are rolling through my mind.
What if I fail?
What if I cry?
What if the students don't like me anymore?
What if I am not good at this anymore?
What if my lesson fails?
What if the parents are mad at me?
What if my coworkers are mad at me?
What if my principal doesn't want me back?
What if the accommodations that are being put into place don't work?
What if the accommodations do work?
What if the students misbehave when I come back?
What if some students regress?
How will that make me look?
Will it be my fault?
What if I crash again?
Constantly, I need to remind myself to do some of the strategies that I have learned. Writing this blog post is helping in and of itself. For me, writing my thoughts down seem to help put things into perspective. It helps me visualize when I am being irrational. My rational brain knows I am being irrational. My irrational brain is just so persuasive sometimes...
Today I was driving home in some pretty bad freezing rain. Road conditions were not good. My mind was wandering to the email I received from Human Resources that sent me into this latest spiral today. I figured I was ready to go back by visiting my classroom and my students. I figured then I could gradually shadow the current teacher half days or full days. I figured I could teach independently part time after that. Gradually working my way up my Fear Ladder until I was at the top. With only five months in the school year left, I figured by April or May I would be back to full time. However, in the proposal I received today, I would begin shadowing in a week for a one week duration. Then the second week I would teach FULL TIME three of the five days and shadow the other two days. Wow, optimistic. I would love to be able to do this, but I don't think I am ready. From all I have learned, climbing the fear ladder is unpredictable and there are no time limits.
As I was driving, I began using a grounding technique where I named various things that I saw. I said to myself, "Find five things that are yellow." The lines on the road, plastic coating on an electric pole, a dump truck, a sign, headlights. I did this again. Slowly my mind was immediately distracted and my thoughts neutralized.
Fortunately, stewing on this for a few hours, I came home and immediately wrote an email. I was able to put my thoughts into writing and practice setting boundaries by saying that I wasn't ready to entertain the idea of full time, just yet. I voiced my concerns and proposed part time. I haven't received a response yet and am feeling quite anxious about it. I am calling the Human Resources representative I have dealing with, who has been so understanding and patient, and proposing that we take it week by week. Baby steps.
Now to go practice my breathing, while making dinner and entertaining my kids....sometimes all of this that we put on our plates is too much. I will escape for a few minutes of quiet time.
To be continued....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)