Parenting Sucks Sometimes!

I swear parenting is the hardest job on Earth!

I love my kids to absolute pieces, like so much sometimes it hurts. Parenting is like the "best of times,  the worst of times." At this moment, I cannot remember which novel that quote comes from?! Anyone?

My son has had issues at school since about...kindergarten; he's now in grade four (or as my American side of me says, 4th grade). He can be introverted at times yet a social butterfly other times. He's always had friends at school, usually one or two that he is closest too. He just often seems so sad. He doesn't struggle academically, and honestly, has always been about a grade level higher than his peers. He's also one of the oldest students in the class. Most of the kids in his class he has known since kindergarten and even a few much longer than that. He just seems to struggle socially sometimes. He is quite sensitive and easily upset. Did I mention he is sad nearly everyday?! It breaks my heart that I can't "fix it."

So now for two days in a row (and most days prior to this week), he gets off the bus and just sort of falls apart. It's like he keeps it together (or at least I think he does) all day, then gets home, in his "safe zone," and just falls apart. Today, he literally collapsed in the driveway walking back to our house crying, which is about a third of a kilometre from the bus (again, for my American friends, that is like one lap around a standard track). It just breaks my heart and makes me feel like such a failure as a parent.

He is often not "flexible." Not flexible like as in like "he's good at gymnastics" but mentally flexible. The teacher side of me knows what to do in a classroom setting (at least I think I do), but as a parent, it is NOT easy! He easily gets upset if his friends or his sister do not want to play "his game" or if we want to do something as a family but he just wants to draw. It can be a battle to get him to cooperate or "be flexible." When he does not like an activity (for example, gym is a big trigger) or finds something difficult (anything athletic), he is quite reluctant to try it again sometimes even reluctant to try it to begin with. As a young child, many things came easily to him. We seemed to skip over the "spelling out words so we could talk in front of him phase" because he started reading so early. He is artistically gifted, creating drawings that blow the minds of everyone that sees them. Yet his mindset and self esteem can be so poor.

I worry so much that he has inherited my mental health fucked-up-ness and unlike me at his age, feels very comfortable to share his thoughts with me. I don't know if I "fell apart" this much at his age, but I do know that I was bullied A LOT in elementary and middle school. I struggled silently, maybe saying a few things to my mom here and there growing up, but certainly never to a teacher. BTW, the advice of "just ignore them" DOES NOT WORK! I am pretty sure he has anxiety and probably panic disorder as well. Symptoms have been present for a few years now, and he was in counselling for few months. Then he was deemed "normal" and comparable to his peers. Ugh. He would fall apart as soon as we got to the car in the counsellor's parking lot!

Parenting is the hardest job ever. There's no "quitting time;" the shift just never ends. There's no reprieve. It's just so damn difficult. Being a kid these days just seems a thousand times worse than when I was a kid....and it certainly wasn't a picnic then.

My husband is waiting for a flight tonight so we chatted via FaceTime. Often, I feel so alone and like this "parenting" thing lies solely on my shoulders. So if my kids don't end up perfect, I failed as a parent. He doesn't do a lot of the disciplining or making them really do anything (like help out with chores), so I am often the "bad guy" and he's often the "fun parent." I do understand being that he's out of town a lot for work so he doesn't want to come home to be the "bad guy." Have I mentioned that parenting fucking sucks sometimes?! End Rant.