Looking back, the breakdown was bound to happen eventually. I knew I was spread way too thin, although I wish I could say I was literally thin 🙄(I had gained nearly 20 pounds over the course of two years...and at barely 5'2 that's like two sizes 🙄). I had way too much on my plate for way too long. I knew my pot was on simmer for quite a few months and was bound to boil over. It was just a matter of time. I did not pay attention and/or choose to ignore the consistent panicky feelings and constant anxiety as just "my mind being my mind" whenever I thought about work. I should have listened, but then again, knowing me, I would still be "high functioning" and doing too much, had I listened. Or worse yet, playing the "what if" game or listing the "pros and cons" in my own head, which can go on for seemingly hours.
I am not in the mood to go into details as to the events that led up to my pot boiling over, but I am sure I'll eventually get there. However, I think it is important to note that this was not the first time I have had to deal with anxiety and panic. It had been nearly two decades since I had dealt with the severity of these issues previously. Although, do not assume I was all peachy for the last two decades...anxiety is a demon that crops up sometimes when you least expect it.
The feelings of despair, shame, hopelessness, and guilt were so overwhelming and intense at the time, I never thought I'd find my way out of the downward spiral. The physical symptoms from anxiety and panic attacks were so skewed that, at times, I have to look back at my journal to remember the exact sensations my body and mind were going through. I guess that is how our minds protect us from "trauma." Or at least, how my mind helped me glaze over the severity of my situation at that time, like I was looking through a opaque glass. Perhaps if I'd kept a journal over the last few years, I could have referred back to those feelings and realize I was crashing. Now I refer back to my journal when I crashed a few months ago; it gives me perspective as to how far I've come. It also gives me credit for the progress I have made so far.
Coming across A Simple Mental Health Pain Scale while mindlessly scrolling Pinterest a few weeks after my meltdown was incredibly helpful. It was an "aha" moment of sorts because it really helped me identify the severity of where I was, where I had already come about three weeks after going on sick leave from my teaching job, and where I am now. Daily fluctuations are a part of my "new normal," but nearly two months later, my present self has come so far. I am also hopeful that I will get out of that well; I can finally see a glimpse of light at the very tippy top. I understand that it likely won't be anytime soon, but it will be eventually--considering I was at a level 9 (minus the self harm part) but am now functioning at a consistent level 6 with moments of a level 7. I am okay with that. I know now that this will take time to get back to a healthy mindset. It's kind of like gaining that 20 pounds...I didn't gain it overnight so I can't expect it to leave overnight. However, this turmoil I've been through over the last two months I did lose ten pounds, so I guess it's only ten pounds to go...or not. 😏
A Simple Mental Health Pain Scale
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Now to get back on track...this is kind of my style...drifting from topic to topic or thing to thing. My wonderful husband often calls me "Sally" as in "Sidetrack Sally." This pain scale is something I have forwarded to several friends and family who have struggled with mental health. I find solace in knowing that I am NOT alone in this struggle and that if I can be a face for mental health and it can help others, then so be it. I'm over the self consciousness of the stigma of mental health. --Sally a.k.a. SeekingCalm |
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