Accountability

I haven't posted in awhile and honestly, I feel like I have gone "off track" slightly. Not relapsed into a depression but not stayed on my healing journey either. This time of year is busy with family and friends. It has kept my mind busy to be around other people, plan family dinners, finalize winter break travel plans, and pack for my family's time away. However, it has also kept my mind busy from focusing on my healing journey. Posting in this blog has helped me maintain accountability to myself to continue on my healing journey. While I'd love for people to read my blog, give me feedback, comment, and help anyone along the way, I am content at the moment just knowing this is helping ME. Pardon my selfishness.

Since my last post, my family celebrated Christmas. We are not a religious family per se, and are more spiritual than anything. I feel guilty that my children think Christmas is all about Santa, decorating a tree (who on Earth decided that was a good idea?!), and getting/giving presents. We have tried to teach them that it is more than that. Now that they are getting older and are able to understand more about the world, we are teaching them how to give back to nature, others, and the greater good. I dislike Christmas time greatly, most due to a crappy childhood memories, but alas, I'm not getting into that now. My husband has said we need to make new memories for our children, and while he is 100% correct, it is easier said than done. Sometimes I find myself zoning out and crappy memories creeping into my mind for no apparent reason.

So what have I been doing since my last post? On Christmas Day, I finished up the packing while the kids played with new toys. We were flying out the next morning to sunny South Florida to our condo. We've been at our condo since December 27th, my happy place. We bought our condo a few years ago, and renovated it top to bottom. It is our sanctuary--calming, quiet, and relaxing.

Often I feel selfish, guilty, and ashamed for having anxiety. My husband often asks me, "What will make you happy?" And honestly, I am happy, but something is missing. I am truly blessed. I have an amazing and supportive husband (together nearly 15 years), happy and healthy kids, and financial security (we have a condo and we're in our early 40's). Sometimes I feel extremely guilty about being anxious....like what on earth do I have to worry about?! Plenty, but often, I can't even put my finger on what is (literally) keeping me up at night. The one thing that is truly my biggest worry is my career...or at the moment...lack there of. More on that later....off the the beach for some family fun time.