I know...it's been awhile....
After the Christmas holidays, my family and I went on a cruise. It was the kids' first week back at school, technically, but we just kept them out another week. While the cruise was beautiful and amazing, I found myself being, quite frankly, bitchy during the first few days of it. It just seemed that everything and anything would set me off. As I am losing my mind over meaningless crap, inside I genuinely feel awful about it, but just can't seem to make the madness stop. Sadly, most times when I was feeling stressed out and anxious, I was thinking about my job and feeling guilty being away. Ugh. I haven't posted about my job as of yet. Deep breath...
I am on stress leave from my job. There I said it. It's hard for me to admit as the emotions of guilt, shame, sadness, fear, anger, resentment clash with the pride, happiness, excitement, love, and hope that I feel when I am at work. So what is my job? Well, I am a teacher. A damn good teacher. Under "normal" circumstances. I have wanted to be a teacher since my kindergarten teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I changed majors in college a few times, but teaching was always there in my head and in my heart. Last school year was a very difficult and challenging year for me...to put it mildly. I struggled a ton with my anxiety and panic attacks last school year that continued through the summer months. I thought I had conquered my anxiety many years ago, but again, it reared its ugly head. Any time I thought about school, I would go into panic mode. I knew I wasn't ready when September came along. I knew I was still struggling to keep my head above water. It wasn't a surprise to me when I crashed. What was a surprise to me was how I only lasted six weeks into the school year but how hard I crashed. I was at the bottom of a well and no matter how much I tried to get out, the darkness stayed. The well only got wider and deeper. It was brutal and a very scary time in my life. I desperately wanted out. I would tell my husband over and over again that I wanted out of this hole.
During my crash, which happened over the course of a few days or maybe it was a week or two, I contacted my therapist. She diagnosed me with complex PTSD. I was not surprised. I had already Googled it and had all the symptoms. 😕
Today I faced a fear of going back into the school I work at (and where my own children go to school). I had gone into the school before Christmas Break only to meet with my principal. Today I deliberately went into school to pick up my own kids early. I walked back to my kids' classes to get them. Unexpectedly, I saw some of my students. My heart was warm, and I was happy. I got lots of hugs and was introduced to a new student in my class that came while I was away. One of my students said to the boy, "This is our real teacher." Warmed my heart that they hadn't forgotten about me. 🤗 I feel confident that I will be able to continue my healing and gradually go back to work soon for at least a few hours a day. 💗
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