On the Eve of Returning to Work

Ahhhh....

I feel like I can let out a deep breath....💨

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.....💪

I feel ready. 💚

Tomorrow I will go back to work as an elementary teacher. I am a mix of emotions....happy, excited, nervous, anxious.....It kind of reminds me of the first day of school, and honestly, it kind of is for me. It has been just over four months on my leave of absence. 🙋

I have had some really good dreams about going back, which in my past, usually predict how things will go.

On this stormy night (we are under a wind warning 💨 and blizzard warning 🌨), I am thinking that tomorrow could very well be a "snow day" where buses are cancelled but teachers go to work. Any students that can get driven to school can come too. My own kids will be going with me tomorrow. 🏫

I feel good about this week and am looking forward to it being a good week. Thankfully, it is a slow gradual schedule. 👐 Meaning that this week, I am "part time" and may leave early if need be. The teacher that has been in for me will be there all week too. That is kind of a relief because I can observe, take some notes, and piggy back off what he has already been doing. He may or may not have piggy backed off what I was already doing back in October. Of course, there has been a lot of growth that would be expected with all classes.

I am looking forward to getting back into a routine and not wearing my pyjamas until noon. I have made so much progress throughout this journey. I probably still have a way to go, but I have also come SOOOO far!!! I am proud of myself and proud of the progress I have made. Mental illness in any form is not a laughing matter. It should be taken seriously and not a matter of bruising it off.

So on the eve of my return to work, I am feeling confident and ready to tackle this week!!! 💗💗 I will remember all the strategies I have learned....grounding, muscle tension and relaxation, deep breathing. 🙏

To be continued....😃

Alas, I Think I'm Ready

Alas, I think I'm ready to return to work. 💪

It's been a long four months. A long four months of soul searching. A long four months of ups and downs, taking steps forward and taking steps backwards. A long four months of being on an emotional rollercoaster.

I finally feel confident enough that I am well enough to return to work and continue on this upward spiral. I know there will be bumps in the road going forward, but I think I have conquered my anxiety, panic, and PTSD enough that I have the tools and strategies to work through them without falling apart.

There are still a few unknowns. I am waiting on a few other people to confirm that I can return to work. My doctor and I created a timeline that we believe will keep me on a steady path moving forward. I am confident enough that I will be able to continue making steady progress. I am no where near 100% yet, and honestly, I think it will be a year or more before that happens, if ever. Maybe this is my new normal; my new 100%. Time will tell.

I feel the good anxious feeling...the good feeling of butterflies in my stomach. Slightly anxious but an excited anxious. It feels like the first day of school, and honestly, it kind of is. The first seven or eight weeks I was at school is all such a blur. A blur of emotions. I will need the next few weeks to reconnect and connect with my students.

I am nervous to see my co-workers. I worry about being judged. Judged by the very people that know exactly of what it feels like to be a teacher. To have a challenging class. To feel the pressure of report cards. To be pressed for time in meetings. To be up at night worrying about other peoples' children. I have learned reading my latest Brené Brown book that I cannot control how other people perceive me.

I look forward to this journal of spiralling upward. The light is there. I am at the edge of the tunnel looking out. I look forward to the rest of my healing journey. 💓

Mixed Emotions...

Just when I feel like I have pulled it together enough to plan a return to work...the anxiety and negative thoughts have rolled back in waves.

This anxiety roller coaster is not a roller coaster I enjoy being on. Through all my self help reading and therapy sessions, my rational brain says this is perfectly normal and consistent with what I have learned. My irrational brain is jumping off the deep end and catastophizing everything. All the "what ifs" are rolling through my mind.

What if I fail?

What if I cry?

What if the students don't like me anymore?

What if I am not good at this anymore?

What if my lesson fails?

What if the parents are mad at me?

What if my coworkers are mad at me?

What if my principal doesn't want me back?

What if the accommodations that are being put into place don't work?

What if the accommodations do work?

What if the students misbehave when I come back?

What if some students regress?

How will that make me look?

Will it be my fault?

What if I crash again?

Constantly, I need to remind myself to do some of the strategies that I have learned. Writing this blog post is helping in and of itself. For me, writing my thoughts down seem to help put things into perspective. It helps me visualize when I am being irrational. My rational brain knows I am being irrational. My irrational brain is just so persuasive sometimes...

Today I was driving home in some pretty bad freezing rain. Road conditions were not good. My mind was wandering to the email I received from Human Resources that sent me into this latest spiral today. I figured I was ready to go back by visiting my classroom and my students. I figured then I could gradually shadow the current teacher half days or full days. I figured I could teach independently part time after that. Gradually working my way up my Fear Ladder until I was at the top. With only five months in the school year left, I figured by April or May I would be back to full time. However, in the proposal I received today, I would begin shadowing in a week for a one week duration. Then the second week I would teach FULL TIME three of the five days and shadow the other two days. Wow, optimistic. I would love to be able to do this, but I don't think I am ready. From all I have learned, climbing the fear ladder is unpredictable and there are no time limits.

As I was driving, I began using a grounding technique where I named various things that I saw. I said to myself, "Find five things that are yellow." The lines on the road, plastic coating on an electric pole, a dump truck, a sign, headlights. I did this again. Slowly my mind was immediately distracted and my thoughts neutralized.

Fortunately, stewing on this for a few hours, I came home and immediately wrote an email. I was able to put my thoughts into writing and practice setting boundaries by saying that I wasn't ready to entertain the idea of full time, just yet. I voiced my concerns and proposed part time. I haven't received a response yet and am feeling quite anxious about it. I am calling the Human Resources representative I have dealing with, who has been so understanding and patient, and proposing that we take it week by week. Baby steps.

Now to go practice my breathing, while making dinner and entertaining my kids....sometimes all of this that we put on our plates is too much. I will escape for a few minutes of quiet time.

To be continued....

Facing My Fears

I am proud to say that I have faced a few of my fears a.k.a. situations that have caused me great anxiety....and I feel so much better doing it! 😊

Utilizing the text Mind Over Mood (2nd Edition) by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, I am working on my "Fear Ladder." Completing the "Fear Ladder" was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Through this text, I have learned that I typically used avoidance (when possible) as a coping mechanism, which isn't a coping mechanism at all. It just exacerbates anxiety. I have been off work now since the middle of October. While it was crucial that I take this time off for myself and my family, it certainly hasn't been easy. Honestly, being off work has been an avoidance of the causes of my anxiety, but it was a necessary (and temporary) avoidance to deal with my mental health and underlying issues that caused my breakdown.

Oh yes, have I mentioned that?! Yes, I had a horrible and devastating mental break down that brought me to a deep, dark, and scary place.

Fortunately, I am nearly out of that awful hole. My pilot light has be relit and the water is in the pot. The well is no longer deep and I am nearly at the top. I am at the end of the tunnel and the sunlight is bright. These metaphors have helped me throughout this journey. Okay back on track....

As I was filling out my Fear Ladder, I wasn't sure where to start, but I did know what the top tier of the ladder would be....to be back to work full time doing exactly what I was doing before my breakdown, only at a much happier and calmer place. From that point it was easier for me to create the rest of the ladder working my way down to the bottom. The authors warned readers in the text that this would cause anxiety (which it did for me ), but what it didn't cause was a full blown panic attack. Filling it out actually made me smile, thinking about the future. On the bottom of the ladder were smaller tasks to gently and slowly put me into situations that cause me anxiety.

I started very small, feeling much better after conquering each fear. For example, the very first thing I did was to pick up my own children at their school (also where I work). The nervousness and anxiety I felt was pretty high, but with the help of deep breathing and imagery (imagining what you want to happen), I was able to successfully face that fear. Was it as bad as I first thought? Definitely not. It went even better than I expected. I have done this a few a times.

The next thing I did was go to the school after hours, with my friend LI, who supported me on this mini adventure. As bizarre as it sounds, I just wanted to look in my classroom window. To see what it looked like. To my surprise, it looked mostly the same. A few things were different, but I okay with it.

Today, my class and my daughter's class went ice skating on a field trip. I sat in the car waiting for my friend CU, who was meeting me at the rink to show up. As I sat, I was texting another friend, SW, about my anxiety. I was very nervous and anxious. I kept seeing so many people and parents of students arriving at the rink. I knew I would see some, but it just seemed like there were so many! I waited in the car, deep breathing, and any time a negative thought popped into my head, I pushed it out. CU arrived, and we walked in together. Approaching the door, I said to her, "OMG there's so many people here. They are all looking at me." To which of course, she replied, "No they are not." Even after I was chatting with another person, she mouthed, "Are you okay?" to me. I nodded that I was. Having someone have my back in this situation was extremely helpful. 💓

I saw all my former students, got lots of smiles and lots of hugs. I had a few that were hesitant and not quite sure what to think...which is to be expected. Baby steps. I chatted with the teacher who is in my place. I so grateful to have someone amazing in my place!

Surrounding myself with kind, patient, and nonjudgemental friends has been paramount for me. Many of these friends have experienced some sort of mental health issues themselves. We have each other's backs and for that, I am forever grateful. 🙏🙌💓

Bell Let’s Talk 2019

With it being Bell Let’s Talk about mental health day, I find it appropriate. If I can use my voice to help others, then it’ll be worth it to tell my story. I thought about posting to my social media account, but decided against it. Maybe someday I’ll be ready.

So here’s my story. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder GAD in my early 20s. I had my first panic attack at age 24; I thought I was dying and wanted to call an ambulance but was frozen in fear. My anxiety has been a dark hole for most of my life but manageable, living in the back of my head, buried....until recently. When it reared its ugly head, I didn’t recognize what was happening to me. It was all so different than what I remembered from my 20s and seemingly, more dramatic. The panic attacks re-emerged, sometimes dozens a day. In addition, I’m dealing with complex PTSD and the likelihood of seasonal affective disorder SAD (big surprise from this Texas girl). I’ve discovered that I, too, held a stigma. Apparently it was OK in my mind to have anxiety but not depression. Well, guess what, I’ve 3discovered that I was depressed. Those dramatic episodes of crying uncontrollably were depression. I fell into that deep, dark hole. I cried so much and just wanted out of the hole. The more I tried to climb out, the well just seemed to get wider. It’s been a slow process for the last few months. I’m proud to say that with the compassionate help of my doctor and my therapist, I’m out if my depression. My anxiety, well that’s another story. I have to face a few “triggers” and fears before I can return to my life as I knew it. For so long I avoided public places and even my closest friends. I am blessed beyond belief for my supportive and understanding husband who has literally picked me up off the floor and held me up. He’s been patiently waiting for the wife that he knows to return. Today, he gets glimpses of that person daily and is enduring the emotional roller coaster. Every day, I’m getting better and better. I’m truly grateful for all the people who have checked on me, stayed with me, phoned me, and texted me to check on me, no matter my mood, even if I tried to ignore them. I’m grateful for who best friend who came to see me after I ignored calls and texts for a few days. I’m grateful for my mom who flew up to spend a week with me. I’m grateful for my therapist who has listened to me without judgement and with her guidance, is helping me get out of this fog. I’m grateful for a doctor who didn’t brush me off and truly listens to me. I’m grateful to the person who took over my position until I can return. I’m grateful for a boss who is empathetic and understands and HR dept who have been genuine and not pressuring me to return. 

I have learned so much through my recent mental health journey. I’ve learned I cannot put myself on the back burner. I must set boundaries and be true to my authentic self. I must take “me time.” I’m building shame resilience (thank you to Brené Brown’s books). I will continue to heal. 

I always thought I was a person who didn’t care what others thought of me. Truth is, I do care. I probably care too much. I’ve been very worried and anxious to return to my position and face many of the people that I really do care what they think of me. 

I’ve always wanted to make the world a better place. I think I was and am but now in addition to that, I have a new cause to add to my plate....when I’m ready.

I will not let anxiety define me. I will make it through this dark place, and I truly hope I never see that dark place again. If it wasn’t for my husband, I’m not sure I’d be as far as I am. I cannot thank him enough. He’s steadily getting his wife back. 💕

Trying to Get Over the Feelings of Guilt and Shame

I know...it's been awhile....

After the Christmas holidays, my family and I went on a cruise. It was the kids' first week back at school, technically, but we just kept them out another week. While the cruise was beautiful and amazing, I found myself being, quite frankly, bitchy during the first few days of it. It just seemed that everything and anything would set me off. As I am losing my mind over meaningless crap, inside I genuinely feel awful about it, but just can't seem to make the madness stop. Sadly, most times when I was feeling stressed out and anxious, I was thinking about my job and feeling guilty being away. Ugh. I haven't posted about my job as of yet. Deep breath...

I am on stress leave from my job. There I said it. It's hard for me to admit as the emotions of guilt, shame, sadness, fear, anger, resentment clash with the pride, happiness, excitement, love, and hope that I feel when I am at work. So what is my job? Well, I am a teacher. A damn good teacher. Under "normal" circumstances. I have wanted to be a teacher since my kindergarten teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I changed majors in college a few times, but teaching was always there in my head and in my heart. Last school year was a very difficult and challenging year for me...to put it mildly. I struggled a ton with my anxiety and panic attacks last school year that continued through the summer months. I thought I had conquered my anxiety many years ago, but again, it reared its ugly head. Any time I thought about school, I would go into panic mode. I knew I wasn't ready when September came along. I knew I was still struggling to keep my head above water. It wasn't a surprise to me when I crashed. What was a surprise to me was how I only lasted six weeks into the school year but how hard I crashed. I was at the bottom of a well and no matter how much I tried to get out, the darkness stayed. The well only got wider and deeper. It was brutal and a very scary time in my life. I desperately wanted out. I would tell my husband over and over again that I wanted out of this hole.

During my crash, which happened over the course of a few days or maybe it was a week or two, I contacted my therapist. She diagnosed me with complex PTSD. I was not surprised. I had already Googled it and had all the symptoms. 😕

Today I faced a fear of going back into the school I work at (and where my own children go to school). I had gone into the school before Christmas Break only to meet with my principal. Today I deliberately went into school to pick up my own kids early. I walked back to my kids' classes to get them. Unexpectedly, I saw some of my students. My heart was warm, and I was happy. I got lots of hugs and was introduced to a new student in my class that came while I was away. One of my students said to the boy, "This is our real teacher." Warmed my heart that they hadn't forgotten about me. 🤗 I feel confident that I will be able to continue my healing and gradually go back to work soon for at least a few hours a day. 💗

List of Self-Help Books that Have Helped Me So Far...

These books are noted in the order I have read them. This is not an order that was suggested to me by anyone. It is just the order I have had them recommended to me or order I have discovered them. This is a list of books that are helping me get "out of the well," "relight my pilot light," and "rev forward" with my life. This post will be updated as I read the meter high (or for my American friends about a yardstick high) stack of books that are on my "to read" list. 
*Please note that the pictures taken are originals by me (do not judge my photography abilities please) of my actual copies, unless otherwise noted. Any imperfections of the cover are due to my own carelessness, that they are second-hand, or lent to me by a friend. Thank you kindly. 

The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life BEFORE 8AM by Hal Elrod

A few weeks after I knew I was spiralling out of control a dear friend of mine, ND, said I have a book you need to read. She said she has read it many times and recommends it to anyone having anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. When I told her my situation, I knew she would understand being that I knew she struggled with anxiety as well. This book was a quick read and one in which if it was my personal copy would be written and highlighted all through it. She did buy me a journal, so I used that to write all my notes in. I can tell this book has been read many times and is well-loved! 

I liked the premise of this book; however, it wouldn't have been one that I would've chose to read first. The author talks about six activities that you should do in the morning before doing anything else. With kids and a husband who is out-of-town frequently, I need to be more flexible. Yes, I could get up an hour earlier like the author suggests, but with my poor sleeping habits (...still *sigh*), I feel I usually need that extra hour. However, I typically do about  4-6 of the ideas daily, just not in a specific order or time. It does help that after my kids are at school, I have the day to contemplate my future and to literally work on myself. The house is quiet, and I can truly focus. Attention and focus are typically daily obstacles for me, especially when my anxiety and panic is at its worst. The Miracle Morning (at least doing the mediation portion) is something I would like to do before I do anything else upon waking it. Like most new habits, it's easier said than done. 


Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown

About a month after starting therapy, my therapist (who is amazing BTW) suggested I read this book. She lent me her copy; I quickly realized that I needed my own copy. This book has been underlined and highlighted all through it with my personal notes in the margins. There were a few parts that were particularly powerful and meaningful to me. I also read this book after my new meds had kicked in and I was completely off my old meds, which definitely help me embrace her message with a level head (literally). 

The author talks about ten "guideposts." Guidepost #1 was especially powerful to me. It is called "Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think." It made me realize A LOT about myself and saddened me as to the person I had become. I will likely talk more about this in a future post. 

BTW, I have ordered another one of Brené Brown's books, which I haven't read yet. 

Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson 

OMG I laughed and I cried. An uplifting, light book that I read before bed or when I only had a few minutes. Honestly, there were parts that were so relatable I thought she could be my new BFF (sorry to my actual BFF...nothing against you...I am sure you'd love her too). A friend lent me this book about a week after my initial crash into the spiral abyss (does that even make sense?). I was at her house bawling over my constant and intense anxiety and panic attacks. She has a beautiful book collection, so I asked her if she had a "feel good" book she could suggest. This was the one she gave me and wow, it was perfect! Thank you LI 💛 It honestly helped me understand that I truly am not alone...despite several people telling me this, including my therapist...but having a published author (and BTW this book is on several recommended booklists) write about this, somehow made it more relatable. 

Get Your Shit Together: How to stop worrying about what you should do so you can finish what you need to do and start doing what you want to do by Sarah Knight

I was at my BFF's house a few weeks ago looking at a few books she has. She's notorious for reading self-help books, so she's read (or I should say listened too as she enjoys audio books) MANY of the books I have been reading. This one was on her shelf. I flipped through it and saw it would be a quick read. While much of it would've been extremely helpful to my 20-something self, there were some things I was able to take from it for my current self. 

Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think by Dennis Greenherger, PhD & Christine A. Padesky, Phd 

My therapist (have I mentioned how amazing she is yet?!) suggested I get this book. We are currently working through this together, taking it chapter by chapter, and not moving any faster than my brain and body can handle. It is a workbook, so I have to do this when I am alone and able to fully focus (usually when my kids are at school and husband working). Funny enough, when my therapist recommended this book to me, that same friend that lent me the first book on this list, lent me this copy too. However, since it is a workbook, I ordered my own copy as it will be one I refer to throughout my life when anxiety and panic hit me like a brick wall, which I hope never happens again, but I know all too well now how these disorders work. They love to sneak up on you, play brain games, and turn your life upside down, usually when you're least expecting it or when you think you finally have a handle on it. *sigh*

It's Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too) by Nora McInerny

While scrolling through Pinterest one day looking for memoirs on mental health, I came across this book. I immediately ordered it. I laughed and I cried and read it in just a few days. I couldn't put it down. I love the author's writing style, so "right up my alley" so to speak. Like her husband, my dad died of stage IV glioblastoma brain cancer. I could relate to a certain degree. My dad passed ten months after his diagnosis almost seven years ago. Did I ever think I would lose a parent in my early 30s? Never. Her story was inspiring and raw. She reminded me (and even kind of looks like) my high school BFF and coincidentally is from near where I grew up. I think she could be another BFF of mine, if we were ever to meet in person. 

No Comfort Zone: Notes on Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by Marla Handy 

Wow, could I relate to the author's experiences in this book. There were so many "aha" moments, I am still trying to sift through them all. Again without going into detail (perhaps when I feel ready I will write more), I understand how childhood trauma can rewire (or wire) your brain. I have been doing a lot of research on PTSD, specifically complex PTSD, since becoming diagnosed a few months ago, not really understanding what it meant. My dad also had PTSD, but I am pretty sure that his was war-induced. Reflecting back though, I am pretty sure my dad struggled with anxiety and depression, possibly panic disorder, although I am sure he never sought help for it. If he did, I highly doubt anyone would ever know. Who can blame him either? I wouldn't have dared to let anyone know about my own anxiety and panic until a few years ago, so ashamed of being on medication since my early 20s. I asked my husband the other day how long we were together before I told him I was on anxiety meds...I am sure it was at a least a year. I asked my BFF when she knew, she said she distinctly remembers me telling her nonchalantly. It was that "shocking" that she remembers it. I look so strong and so confident everyone says....well that's just the daily armour I wear to protect myself. 

There ware parts of this book that I am still digesting and just need some more time before I hit these demons head on in my own life. I am just not there yet. After reading this book, it has helped me immediately realize that my "quirks" are likely from PTSD and trauma. For example, my panic after hearing (and not expecting) a loud noise such as one of my kids screams, something crashing to the floor, etc.). Just today my daughter dropped the TV remote control on the wood floor. My heart rate immediately shot up, and it took several minutes before I felt "calm" again. I immediately yanked my head around in the direction of the sound and wanted to know what made it. I tend to "snap" when this happens reacting strongly. It is very odd....but now I am understanding that this is a symptom of complex PTSD. It is very different than say, having a near miss in a car accident, which actually happened yesterday to me. 

The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, 3rd Edition by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D 

The crazy thing about this book is that I owned this book about 13 years ago. I worked through it during a summer off from teaching when I was contemplating going off medication. My husband (then boyfriend) were together maybe two years. Sadly, during the summer of 2016, I was going through a "downsizing" phase where anything that I hadn't used in ten years was being purged. I had a cabinet with all sorts of photo albums, baby albums, etc and this book. It wasn't proudly displayed on my book shelves with all my other books, but it was safely stored at the back of a cabinet in my bedroom that hadn't been looked at since we moved into our house eight years prior. I honestly forgot all about it. I flipped through it rereading parts of my "previous self" or so I thought. Since I had written in it, I recycled the book thinking "I haven't needed it in ten years, so I won't need it again." Boy, was I wrong. I just found it at a second-hand bookstore so while I haven't begun working through it yet, I will be when I am ready. 

The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin 

This was a good book to read over Christmas Break going into the New Year! The author describes resolutions and goals that she sets for herself each month for one year. I admire her strength, courage, and commitment to herself and her family. The parts on family and marriage resonated with me the most. This book helped me identify some areas in my personal life, family life, and marriage that needed some tweaking. 

Go A Memoir of Wanderlust and Anxiety by Sara Moss

I absolutely loved this book! While it's not necessarily a "self-help" book, it is the author's personal journey. Through several parts of the memoir, she describes physical symptoms (nausea, rapid heart beat, sweats) which I resonated with completely. I recognized the symptoms of anxiety. The adventures the author goes through is truly amazing! It reminded me a lot of my late teens and 20's...I had the same wanderlust mentality but also the anxiety that I didn't recognize as anxiety until my mid-20's.

I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" by Brené Brown

I've just started this one, and I cannot put it down! I am eagerly taking notes and jotting down my thoughts and feelings. I feel like this book (like her other one I read) will be very helpful.