Ahhhh....
I feel like I can let out a deep breath....💨
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.....💪
I feel ready. 💚
Tomorrow I will go back to work as an elementary teacher. I am a mix of emotions....happy, excited, nervous, anxious.....It kind of reminds me of the first day of school, and honestly, it kind of is for me. It has been just over four months on my leave of absence. 🙋
I have had some really good dreams about going back, which in my past, usually predict how things will go.
On this stormy night (we are under a wind warning 💨 and blizzard warning 🌨), I am thinking that tomorrow could very well be a "snow day" where buses are cancelled but teachers go to work. Any students that can get driven to school can come too. My own kids will be going with me tomorrow. 🏫
I feel good about this week and am looking forward to it being a good week. Thankfully, it is a slow gradual schedule. 👐 Meaning that this week, I am "part time" and may leave early if need be. The teacher that has been in for me will be there all week too. That is kind of a relief because I can observe, take some notes, and piggy back off what he has already been doing. He may or may not have piggy backed off what I was already doing back in October. Of course, there has been a lot of growth that would be expected with all classes.
I am looking forward to getting back into a routine and not wearing my pyjamas until noon. I have made so much progress throughout this journey. I probably still have a way to go, but I have also come SOOOO far!!! I am proud of myself and proud of the progress I have made. Mental illness in any form is not a laughing matter. It should be taken seriously and not a matter of bruising it off.
So on the eve of my return to work, I am feeling confident and ready to tackle this week!!! 💗💗 I will remember all the strategies I have learned....grounding, muscle tension and relaxation, deep breathing. 🙏
To be continued....😃
Sunday, 24 February 2019
Wednesday, 13 February 2019
Alas, I Think I'm Ready
Alas, I think I'm ready to return to work. 💪
It's been a long four months. A long four months of soul searching. A long four months of ups and downs, taking steps forward and taking steps backwards. A long four months of being on an emotional rollercoaster.
I finally feel confident enough that I am well enough to return to work and continue on this upward spiral. I know there will be bumps in the road going forward, but I think I have conquered my anxiety, panic, and PTSD enough that I have the tools and strategies to work through them without falling apart.
There are still a few unknowns. I am waiting on a few other people to confirm that I can return to work. My doctor and I created a timeline that we believe will keep me on a steady path moving forward. I am confident enough that I will be able to continue making steady progress. I am no where near 100% yet, and honestly, I think it will be a year or more before that happens, if ever. Maybe this is my new normal; my new 100%. Time will tell.
I feel the good anxious feeling...the good feeling of butterflies in my stomach. Slightly anxious but an excited anxious. It feels like the first day of school, and honestly, it kind of is. The first seven or eight weeks I was at school is all such a blur. A blur of emotions. I will need the next few weeks to reconnect and connect with my students.
I am nervous to see my co-workers. I worry about being judged. Judged by the very people that know exactly of what it feels like to be a teacher. To have a challenging class. To feel the pressure of report cards. To be pressed for time in meetings. To be up at night worrying about other peoples' children. I have learned reading my latest Brené Brown book that I cannot control how other people perceive me.
I look forward to this journal of spiralling upward. The light is there. I am at the edge of the tunnel looking out. I look forward to the rest of my healing journey. 💓
It's been a long four months. A long four months of soul searching. A long four months of ups and downs, taking steps forward and taking steps backwards. A long four months of being on an emotional rollercoaster.
I finally feel confident enough that I am well enough to return to work and continue on this upward spiral. I know there will be bumps in the road going forward, but I think I have conquered my anxiety, panic, and PTSD enough that I have the tools and strategies to work through them without falling apart.
There are still a few unknowns. I am waiting on a few other people to confirm that I can return to work. My doctor and I created a timeline that we believe will keep me on a steady path moving forward. I am confident enough that I will be able to continue making steady progress. I am no where near 100% yet, and honestly, I think it will be a year or more before that happens, if ever. Maybe this is my new normal; my new 100%. Time will tell.
I feel the good anxious feeling...the good feeling of butterflies in my stomach. Slightly anxious but an excited anxious. It feels like the first day of school, and honestly, it kind of is. The first seven or eight weeks I was at school is all such a blur. A blur of emotions. I will need the next few weeks to reconnect and connect with my students.
I am nervous to see my co-workers. I worry about being judged. Judged by the very people that know exactly of what it feels like to be a teacher. To have a challenging class. To feel the pressure of report cards. To be pressed for time in meetings. To be up at night worrying about other peoples' children. I have learned reading my latest Brené Brown book that I cannot control how other people perceive me.
I look forward to this journal of spiralling upward. The light is there. I am at the edge of the tunnel looking out. I look forward to the rest of my healing journey. 💓
Wednesday, 6 February 2019
Mixed Emotions...
Just when I feel like I have pulled it together enough to plan a return to work...the anxiety and negative thoughts have rolled back in waves.
This anxiety roller coaster is not a roller coaster I enjoy being on. Through all my self help reading and therapy sessions, my rational brain says this is perfectly normal and consistent with what I have learned. My irrational brain is jumping off the deep end and catastophizing everything. All the "what ifs" are rolling through my mind.
What if I fail?
What if I cry?
What if the students don't like me anymore?
What if I am not good at this anymore?
What if my lesson fails?
What if the parents are mad at me?
What if my coworkers are mad at me?
What if my principal doesn't want me back?
What if the accommodations that are being put into place don't work?
What if the accommodations do work?
What if the students misbehave when I come back?
What if some students regress?
How will that make me look?
Will it be my fault?
What if I crash again?
Constantly, I need to remind myself to do some of the strategies that I have learned. Writing this blog post is helping in and of itself. For me, writing my thoughts down seem to help put things into perspective. It helps me visualize when I am being irrational. My rational brain knows I am being irrational. My irrational brain is just so persuasive sometimes...
Today I was driving home in some pretty bad freezing rain. Road conditions were not good. My mind was wandering to the email I received from Human Resources that sent me into this latest spiral today. I figured I was ready to go back by visiting my classroom and my students. I figured then I could gradually shadow the current teacher half days or full days. I figured I could teach independently part time after that. Gradually working my way up my Fear Ladder until I was at the top. With only five months in the school year left, I figured by April or May I would be back to full time. However, in the proposal I received today, I would begin shadowing in a week for a one week duration. Then the second week I would teach FULL TIME three of the five days and shadow the other two days. Wow, optimistic. I would love to be able to do this, but I don't think I am ready. From all I have learned, climbing the fear ladder is unpredictable and there are no time limits.
As I was driving, I began using a grounding technique where I named various things that I saw. I said to myself, "Find five things that are yellow." The lines on the road, plastic coating on an electric pole, a dump truck, a sign, headlights. I did this again. Slowly my mind was immediately distracted and my thoughts neutralized.
Fortunately, stewing on this for a few hours, I came home and immediately wrote an email. I was able to put my thoughts into writing and practice setting boundaries by saying that I wasn't ready to entertain the idea of full time, just yet. I voiced my concerns and proposed part time. I haven't received a response yet and am feeling quite anxious about it. I am calling the Human Resources representative I have dealing with, who has been so understanding and patient, and proposing that we take it week by week. Baby steps.
Now to go practice my breathing, while making dinner and entertaining my kids....sometimes all of this that we put on our plates is too much. I will escape for a few minutes of quiet time.
To be continued....
This anxiety roller coaster is not a roller coaster I enjoy being on. Through all my self help reading and therapy sessions, my rational brain says this is perfectly normal and consistent with what I have learned. My irrational brain is jumping off the deep end and catastophizing everything. All the "what ifs" are rolling through my mind.
What if I fail?
What if I cry?
What if the students don't like me anymore?
What if I am not good at this anymore?
What if my lesson fails?
What if the parents are mad at me?
What if my coworkers are mad at me?
What if my principal doesn't want me back?
What if the accommodations that are being put into place don't work?
What if the accommodations do work?
What if the students misbehave when I come back?
What if some students regress?
How will that make me look?
Will it be my fault?
What if I crash again?
Constantly, I need to remind myself to do some of the strategies that I have learned. Writing this blog post is helping in and of itself. For me, writing my thoughts down seem to help put things into perspective. It helps me visualize when I am being irrational. My rational brain knows I am being irrational. My irrational brain is just so persuasive sometimes...
Today I was driving home in some pretty bad freezing rain. Road conditions were not good. My mind was wandering to the email I received from Human Resources that sent me into this latest spiral today. I figured I was ready to go back by visiting my classroom and my students. I figured then I could gradually shadow the current teacher half days or full days. I figured I could teach independently part time after that. Gradually working my way up my Fear Ladder until I was at the top. With only five months in the school year left, I figured by April or May I would be back to full time. However, in the proposal I received today, I would begin shadowing in a week for a one week duration. Then the second week I would teach FULL TIME three of the five days and shadow the other two days. Wow, optimistic. I would love to be able to do this, but I don't think I am ready. From all I have learned, climbing the fear ladder is unpredictable and there are no time limits.
As I was driving, I began using a grounding technique where I named various things that I saw. I said to myself, "Find five things that are yellow." The lines on the road, plastic coating on an electric pole, a dump truck, a sign, headlights. I did this again. Slowly my mind was immediately distracted and my thoughts neutralized.
Fortunately, stewing on this for a few hours, I came home and immediately wrote an email. I was able to put my thoughts into writing and practice setting boundaries by saying that I wasn't ready to entertain the idea of full time, just yet. I voiced my concerns and proposed part time. I haven't received a response yet and am feeling quite anxious about it. I am calling the Human Resources representative I have dealing with, who has been so understanding and patient, and proposing that we take it week by week. Baby steps.
Now to go practice my breathing, while making dinner and entertaining my kids....sometimes all of this that we put on our plates is too much. I will escape for a few minutes of quiet time.
To be continued....
Tuesday, 5 February 2019
Facing My Fears
I am proud to say that I have faced a few of my fears a.k.a. situations that have caused me great anxiety....and I feel so much better doing it! 😊
Utilizing the text Mind Over Mood (2nd Edition) by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, I am working on my "Fear Ladder." Completing the "Fear Ladder" was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Through this text, I have learned that I typically used avoidance (when possible) as a coping mechanism, which isn't a coping mechanism at all. It just exacerbates anxiety. I have been off work now since the middle of October. While it was crucial that I take this time off for myself and my family, it certainly hasn't been easy. Honestly, being off work has been an avoidance of the causes of my anxiety, but it was a necessary (and temporary) avoidance to deal with my mental health and underlying issues that caused my breakdown.
Oh yes, have I mentioned that?! Yes, I had a horrible and devastating mental break down that brought me to a deep, dark, and scary place.
Fortunately, I am nearly out of that awful hole. My pilot light has be relit and the water is in the pot. The well is no longer deep and I am nearly at the top. I am at the end of the tunnel and the sunlight is bright. These metaphors have helped me throughout this journey. Okay back on track....
As I was filling out my Fear Ladder, I wasn't sure where to start, but I did know what the top tier of the ladder would be....to be back to work full time doing exactly what I was doing before my breakdown, only at a much happier and calmer place. From that point it was easier for me to create the rest of the ladder working my way down to the bottom. The authors warned readers in the text that this would cause anxiety (which it did for me ), but what it didn't cause was a full blown panic attack. Filling it out actually made me smile, thinking about the future. On the bottom of the ladder were smaller tasks to gently and slowly put me into situations that cause me anxiety.
I started very small, feeling much better after conquering each fear. For example, the very first thing I did was to pick up my own children at their school (also where I work). The nervousness and anxiety I felt was pretty high, but with the help of deep breathing and imagery (imagining what you want to happen), I was able to successfully face that fear. Was it as bad as I first thought? Definitely not. It went even better than I expected. I have done this a few a times.
The next thing I did was go to the school after hours, with my friend LI, who supported me on this mini adventure. As bizarre as it sounds, I just wanted to look in my classroom window. To see what it looked like. To my surprise, it looked mostly the same. A few things were different, but I okay with it.
Today, my class and my daughter's class went ice skating on a field trip. I sat in the car waiting for my friend CU, who was meeting me at the rink to show up. As I sat, I was texting another friend, SW, about my anxiety. I was very nervous and anxious. I kept seeing so many people and parents of students arriving at the rink. I knew I would see some, but it just seemed like there were so many! I waited in the car, deep breathing, and any time a negative thought popped into my head, I pushed it out. CU arrived, and we walked in together. Approaching the door, I said to her, "OMG there's so many people here. They are all looking at me." To which of course, she replied, "No they are not." Even after I was chatting with another person, she mouthed, "Are you okay?" to me. I nodded that I was. Having someone have my back in this situation was extremely helpful. 💓
I saw all my former students, got lots of smiles and lots of hugs. I had a few that were hesitant and not quite sure what to think...which is to be expected. Baby steps. I chatted with the teacher who is in my place. I so grateful to have someone amazing in my place!
Surrounding myself with kind, patient, and nonjudgemental friends has been paramount for me. Many of these friends have experienced some sort of mental health issues themselves. We have each other's backs and for that, I am forever grateful. 🙏🙌💓
Utilizing the text Mind Over Mood (2nd Edition) by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, I am working on my "Fear Ladder." Completing the "Fear Ladder" was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Through this text, I have learned that I typically used avoidance (when possible) as a coping mechanism, which isn't a coping mechanism at all. It just exacerbates anxiety. I have been off work now since the middle of October. While it was crucial that I take this time off for myself and my family, it certainly hasn't been easy. Honestly, being off work has been an avoidance of the causes of my anxiety, but it was a necessary (and temporary) avoidance to deal with my mental health and underlying issues that caused my breakdown.
Oh yes, have I mentioned that?! Yes, I had a horrible and devastating mental break down that brought me to a deep, dark, and scary place.
Fortunately, I am nearly out of that awful hole. My pilot light has be relit and the water is in the pot. The well is no longer deep and I am nearly at the top. I am at the end of the tunnel and the sunlight is bright. These metaphors have helped me throughout this journey. Okay back on track....
As I was filling out my Fear Ladder, I wasn't sure where to start, but I did know what the top tier of the ladder would be....to be back to work full time doing exactly what I was doing before my breakdown, only at a much happier and calmer place. From that point it was easier for me to create the rest of the ladder working my way down to the bottom. The authors warned readers in the text that this would cause anxiety (which it did for me ), but what it didn't cause was a full blown panic attack. Filling it out actually made me smile, thinking about the future. On the bottom of the ladder were smaller tasks to gently and slowly put me into situations that cause me anxiety.
I started very small, feeling much better after conquering each fear. For example, the very first thing I did was to pick up my own children at their school (also where I work). The nervousness and anxiety I felt was pretty high, but with the help of deep breathing and imagery (imagining what you want to happen), I was able to successfully face that fear. Was it as bad as I first thought? Definitely not. It went even better than I expected. I have done this a few a times.
The next thing I did was go to the school after hours, with my friend LI, who supported me on this mini adventure. As bizarre as it sounds, I just wanted to look in my classroom window. To see what it looked like. To my surprise, it looked mostly the same. A few things were different, but I okay with it.
Today, my class and my daughter's class went ice skating on a field trip. I sat in the car waiting for my friend CU, who was meeting me at the rink to show up. As I sat, I was texting another friend, SW, about my anxiety. I was very nervous and anxious. I kept seeing so many people and parents of students arriving at the rink. I knew I would see some, but it just seemed like there were so many! I waited in the car, deep breathing, and any time a negative thought popped into my head, I pushed it out. CU arrived, and we walked in together. Approaching the door, I said to her, "OMG there's so many people here. They are all looking at me." To which of course, she replied, "No they are not." Even after I was chatting with another person, she mouthed, "Are you okay?" to me. I nodded that I was. Having someone have my back in this situation was extremely helpful. 💓
I saw all my former students, got lots of smiles and lots of hugs. I had a few that were hesitant and not quite sure what to think...which is to be expected. Baby steps. I chatted with the teacher who is in my place. I so grateful to have someone amazing in my place!
Surrounding myself with kind, patient, and nonjudgemental friends has been paramount for me. Many of these friends have experienced some sort of mental health issues themselves. We have each other's backs and for that, I am forever grateful. 🙏🙌💓
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)